- Ask the Expert: My daughter is making strange with her father
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He recently has been off hand with me and displayed many of the behaviours mentioned by others here. We are in our early fifties. He was married 20 years now divorced 9 years but he has had couple of relationships before we became friends. Do I persevere or run as is advocated by many here?
Im feeling a little stronger now after back at work and live alone so not in his company. I hope you get his message as it is only this week that the penny dropped after another outburst of anger and then sending me to Coventry so to speak this time only lasting 4 days, it has been known to last 6 months. Fortunately and unbelievably he sat and listened to me I am at my lowest, I felt I could not do this anymore.
I realised I was going down, I was not the person I started out to be, I had changed out of all recognition…. Life has been so different for me and I supposed for my 3 adult children, We as a family have missed out on so much.. I have kept going just by trying to maneuver around situations, and doing my best to keep my mouth shut and not say or do something that would make him erupt… many thanks to you all for all your personal stories.
SueC One example I could think of is eating out with friends. Family members might think the autistic person just made friends. That might be true for a non-autistic person. Maybe we should focus more on the quality rather than the quantity of the outings. I feel that removing the NT mask might improve connections because the body language will come from emotions rather than voluntary control of facial muscles. I have been with my AS for 11 years he was diagnosed about 3 years ago but refuses to accept the diagnosis. We have a 3 year old and a 7 year old and I do worry about the impact of our challenging relationship on our children.
Mechanical sex would have been an improvement over what we had. Then when bedtime came around, he would get in bed, but not before a lecture about how I needed to stay on my side of the bed and not touch him. Then he would scoot as close to the edge of his side as far as he could and put his back to me.
I was not allowed to touch him or want to be intimate. Before our marriage blew up when I found out about some of his serious sex addictions 8 and a half years ago, I could count on 2 hands the times that he had actually initiated sex with me in our 24 year marriage. Since then, probably because I have been threatening to leave him, he has been more willing and actually hugs me in bed. So they can change if they want to badly enough.
But found out 3 years ago he has aspergers. Then a switch went off he is completely different. I need someone to talk to so bad. No therapist in area understands what I am going through. The loneliness is killing me, Almost 4 years of isolation. I have tried the internet to talk to people but just not the same when you need human contact If people just used the phone more.
Hello, Tina: I understand your loneliness and frustration. Your location is not necessarily a barrier to getting help, though. In my case, for besides practicing as a licensed psychotherapist in my state of Washington, for example, I developed an international coaching practice to work with individuals who live elsewhere. We work online with video sessions and also on the telephone and via email. There are others like me who offer these services, and I am confident that you could find someone with whom you would like to work. I send you my best regards. Tina, there is an awesome support group on meetup.
She actually hosts video conferences, some for free, some for low cost. I believe she will also meet via Skype for kind of a therapy session. Consider thinking about a few things you used to like to do before you were isolated, and pursue on of the things that involves meeting people somewhere near you. Even if it means you volunteer as a segway into forming connections with others. You might have been writing about my marriage, from beginning to the end. I have been married to an un-diagnosed Aperger for 43 long years, I decided in October I had had enough abuse, not only by my husband, but also,my sons.
How do you begin to get help when the partner with AS sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior. How do I communicate with someone who only wants to be right, cannot take criticism, but can only communicate by dishing it out, sees everything in only black and white. Is there something that will change that thinking? Hello, Diane: I hear this question — and I sense the inherent frustration — frequently from women who seek counseling in my office. Generally, my goal is to help my clients understand that they can learn a great deal about autism and about ways to consider interpersonal communication in light of ASD that might have an effect on conversational outcomes.
I encourage them to discuss this with their husbands and, if it seems appropriate or likely to be helpful, to then suggest that they come in for some sessions as a couple. My role then is akin to that of a translator: I work to help each partner understand the perspective of the other, which is often masked in vocabulary, history, and emotion that has concretized over the years. This is an ongoing process that can help re-establish mutual respect that has most likely suffered as years of miscommunication have accrued.
From this point, new ways of understanding each other can be possible. It is important to remember, though, that ASD is a neurological difference and not a psychological issue. Therefore, expectations for change must be seen in light of this framework. Sarah, you must not be married to an autistic man.
They take everything as a criticism, as a personal attack. Trust me we have tried every which way to connect, will not happen. We can only either leave or accept that we live with little boys, not a real man!!!! I believe that if I had been forewarned I would not have gone ahead. Lately I have been thinking about how to get back my old self and my former interests whilst still in the marriage, and asserting myself more.
I feel like I am single anyway, but with my hands tied. I had a friend whose adult children turned against her as described in the article. They blamed her for everything and sided with their AS dad. Eventually they saw the truth and had started to reconcile but it was too late. My friend got a diagnosis of terminal cancer and died within months. She insisted that her husband not come to her funeral. She was still hurt and angry. She was my friend and shared a lot of wisdom about AS and I miss her. Ladies, life is short and you only get one shot at it. Thank you Sue for your honesty, only those men or women married to autism will ever understand the depth of pain inflicted over years, decades.
It is subtle, like a slow drip of daily sucking the life out of us. It took me 40 years to figure out I was living with autism. I always knew there was something, but what as it!!!! Now for almost three years I have had to come to terms that this man never loved me, not in a way I thought I married for!!! Not in a meaningful, caring, sharing way. Hello, Diane — It is not my place here to discuss my personal experiences in my private life, as you can imagine.
I will have to ask you to trust that I understand your frustration more than you might be able to imagine. I deeply understand the relationship between a person on the autism spectrum and a neurotypical person. I also know and I tell my clients that it is not possible to change a person on the spectrum. Instead, I advocate for education. This is always the goal in sessions with my couple clients. Such education about what it is like to be the other can be enlightening.
It does not change anyone inherently, but it offers the possibilities for a more hopeful pathway toward future decisions regarding staying together or moving apart. There are no miracles, but their is relief and there is compassion. Facing the grief of lost dreams and crashed expectations then becomes the work of individual counseling, either in therapy or with your pastor or anyone else you can trust to offer sustenance through a grieving process. There are no simple answers, certainly.
But there is hope for reducing pain and moving forward. I send you my sincere best wishes. After many years of losing myself I had to put my foot down and just let him have his fit. He had some awareness that he was sucking me dry so at least there was that. I told him that none of this was up for debate. I had a right to my interests and pursuits. I am not an extension of you. I am my own person and from this point on will be my own person. It took about two years of struggle and repeating this for him to adapt. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. We engage is a sort of toddler like side by side play now.
He does his thing. I do mine. He has learned that life is nicer when we can both talk about the things we enjoy.
Ask the Expert: My daughter is making strange with her father
To help me my husband has been fixing the meals for the last couple months. Hello, Becky — it sounds as if you and your husband are well on your way toward discovering a workable plan for staying together. Thanks Sarah. I told him to go, or else. Like I said, he had some awareness that he was sucking me dry and he agreed that he had issues to work through. When he was diagnosed it was such an eye opener, a relief in many ways.
At that point he was open to change but change comes slow with Aspergers. His last meltdown was over his health. I mentioned he has a food special interest. That has caused obesity, high blood pressure and pre-diabetic symptoms. I told him he was a walking heart attack and now it was time to lose weight. This was a three day bender for him but he processed and agreed he was unhealthy. I taught him how to use a weight loss app where you count calories.
However, you might find it helpful to work with a professional counselor who specializes in this area. It is asking a lot of yourself to hold this bottled up within you. Best wishes to you.
Why The Difficulty With Touch
Hi, what support group is that? I hear you Linda, and so does every other man and women married to a partner on the spectrum. You will only harm yourself more and become psychologically hurt! It mind blindness. But there are other forums that totally GET you, I sure do!!!!!!!!!! Seek help from outside your relationship!!! The best to you! For years I felt as though it was all my fault.. I always cooked cleaned.. HE SAW what a great mum. HAD to see a Psychologist.. I travel alone…interstate…..
PLUS he has Narcisstic personality disorder.. ALL MY diagnosis! Wow — it felt like someone watched a movie if my life there. After decades of marriage and a caring for a child with life threatening illness I find that AS husband has been involved in disgusting sexual activities with prostitutes and in groups.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I have heard of this kind of sexual behavior from a husband on the spectrum. Nontheless, it is experienced rightfully as a devastating betrayal. I hope you can find good counseling support. I wish you well. Sarah, a year after separation I am still angry because nothing is resolved. There never seems to be any consequence for the hurt they cause — intentional or not…surely. This articles does describe me. My kids are 16 and 13 and have each pulled me aside and told me that their father treats me poorly. With those declarations, I feel I have more confidence to leave, with support and a different outcome to your article.
They see their father for who he is. Am I lucky? But what else can I do than hope? Jen, you are fortunate. You might consider finding a skilled therapist for you and your children to work with on this. You could also consider bringing him with you to family sessions, if he is willing to pursue this.
Oftentimes, the partner on the spectrum is not willing. You know your husband best and you know what he is likely to think of such a suggestion. Great comment. At break-up, its too easy to delay this sort of therapy — so much else to do and consider, and then the children can feel neglected. Hi Jen, I have found that therapy with an AS present is no good at all!! In my case it only served for my AS partner to find out more about me, he used it against me time and time again.
Therapy for you and your children could be beneficial in helping them see their fathers as having a serious disability. I feel sad for your children, but they seem aware and that is a good start. Let your AS wear his own behavior, never cover up for him, if you do you look like the one that has the problem. In my 44 years with my ASH, I found the only way it can be bearable is to make no excuses for him.
I am sick and tired of the medical profession making this our problem. We give and give of ourselves with little in return emotionally. Diane, in order for couple counseling to be successful when one partner has autism, the therapist must understand both the autistic and the neurotypical experience; she must be skilled in holding each partner responsible while stopping blame and criticism; and she must be skilled in offering substantive new patterns of communication for both partners to practice.
There is also a significant amount of psychoeducation involved. This is not the domain of all therapists because it is so specialized. In fact, there are not many therapists who work in this area at all, which is why so many couples, like you, have had frustrating experiences. However, please do not disparage the entire mental health profession. It is possible to find supportive counseling. Thank you for such a fabulous article Sarah and Good Therapy. I will be glad to pass your article on through our group etc.
It was actually shared in a facebook group by one of our members. Thank you again. Carol G. Yes , but I need a divorce, have a meditation lawyer who will not grasp it. Thank you, Carol. Thank you also for taking the time to write a note here. Best wishes to you in your work as well. Did you go through with the divorce? What was your experience with the mediation style divorce? Hi Carol — I divorced my Aspie through mediation and found it very helpful. You both meet with the mediator separately at first so I was able to explain to her that while I was certain he was Aspergers, it was something he did not accept.
In this discussion I was able to make her understand that I need to support and hold him at the same time as I was divorcing him. And also that if he appeared rude and abrupt to her, this was why. She understood, and whilst she was very discreet about it, she was also calmly reassuring with him.
So it was a good choice for us. This sadly was my experience over 20 years and 8 children. We finally divorced when the youngest two were I lost everything. He was the wronged victim. I was the evil witch. Only my youngest two and my two oldest speak to me now. I am a grandma, but have never seen the baby, my daughter married and did not invite me. My other daughter graduated but I was not allowed to go. My mum died and I was blanked at her death bed by my daughters. I am so sorry Ruth for the pain you are suffering. Autism, whether high functioning is a serious disability.
Not for themselves, but for the families that are exposed to them day in and day out. Unfortunately all therapy and information is one sided. Until there is more exposure to the HARM they do we will suffer great consequences. The damage is done so slowly over such a long period of time!!!! THEY need to be exposed!!!! We the NT must tell our stories. If there was some kind of disease out there causing so much harm, it would make headline news, why not THIS disability!!!! Diane, you make a very good point.
Many couples have shared such disheartening previous counseling experiences with me. However, please do not give up hope. There are therapists whose life work derives from understanding both realities — AS and NT — and whose heart-felt goal is to help partners build new bridges. This is not possible, as you clearly describe, without strong therapeutic support. That is why in so many of my comments above I have advocated finding a therapist.
In effective couple therapy, both partners have equal voices. This article, as well as all the comments following it, seems like a rather biased article that indicates an extremely poor understanding of ASD, generally. This article and the comments that follow it show nothing about the fact that there are people on the spectrum who are successful in life, have friends and a social life and families, have normal jobs, are tax payers and homeowners, have interests, and are very successful at what they do.
My partner and I have two boys with asphergars. I feel crazy and alone. What do u suggest. My boys are five and eight right now. Your boys are still young, they are teachable. Show your boys you are VERY important, they must see that from you , it will not come from their father. Any bad behavior you husband does in front of the children call him on it in a non aggressive way, state it and disengage, walk away!!!!!
Chasity, it does not get better. You have two boys with ASD, there is only so much stress and loneliness one human being can withstand. Your life is worth something and you have a right to be heard and to be loved and supported. Had I known this when I was your age I would have moved away from the stressors I could have walked away from and moved towards love and respect and kindness and support.
It is the oxygen mask thing….. Choose you at every opportunity you can. It is not selfish, you have a right to matter too. Trying to reply to mplo, but there was no reply facility below that contribution. At least it helps to remind those of us who are divorced what it was like having a person around who made no attempt to comprehend. Complete lack of empathy.
I found this article very helpful. In the absence of a counsellor who understands couple relationships where the husband has AS, can you recommend anything to read that will help more. I have read many books but they only take you so far. My husband has a diagnosis. Hello, Vivienne, Thank you for your reply.
I am married to a man who has AS and have a teenage son also. Have been married 19 years but I want a divorce. We argue non stop. Im afraid if we divorce my children who are 12 and 16 will want to live with him. At the age of 47 I feel as if he should be more mature. Two of our sons are also on the spectrum at varying degrees, and the third son will be evaluated soon.
I often feel invisible. I handle everything for the boys: therapies, school, doctors, activities, money, car maintenance, mowing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and I work part time. I do see a lot lack of respect from my sons, and I am afraid to try anything new anymore because I am tired of criticism. I am a shell of my former self and I do try to align myself with his ideals because it is easier. There really is a need for more books to be written on this subject. Your article hits the nail on the head. Hello, Melody — thank you for writing. I hope you can find a way to voice your distress, either with a counselor or another professional who might understand and be able to offer you support.
Regarding a book on this topic — I am in the middle of writing one, and I hope it will offer tools and comfort to anyone who reads it. Best to you. I cannot believe that my story is here in black and white and that the fact that it is makes it clear that this is not just my story but a never ending story of misery and lives lost.
I lost everything being married to a man with ASD. My beautiful home with gardens I lovingly created, my dreams, my hopes, years and years and years of never being loved, never being heard, never mattering. But the final and most devastating loss of all was the slow realization of the fact that, just as you describe in this story, my children were lost too.
Two have Aspergers themselves and barely know I am alive, let alone worth anything, and the other has been so hurt and so lost and has learned as you have described that I am not worth anything. It is not his fault, it was just the reality that formed his view of the world and of me.
I am 54 years old and after 30 years of the worst misery I can describe, I now find every dream was utterly shattered. I would never, never have done this if a diagnosis had been available back then. Hello, Jenny — your note is so poignant. I send you my best wishes for healing and reclaiming those dreams which have languished for so long.
I encourage you to note the resilience you are demonstrating by moving forward in your life. That is no small feat. Jenny, I share a good few of these things, especially garden, children , and feel so sorry for your situation. At our age, we cannot have this family-making experience again, and for it to become like this for you is so sad. It helps me to know that I am not alone in this experience, and hope that it does you too.
I hope that in time, your children will come to appreciate and respond to the love you have for them. If not, I hope that you will arrive at some kind of peaceful situation, maybe a good new relationship with a man worthy of you, some kind of peace and quiet happiness. I hope so, because I want to feel it is possible for me too. Yep, this is me, right down to certain things that were said. My birthday was never ignored, because he has it in his automatic notifications on his smart phone. He always gets me something er other. But it always feels like an obligation.
The trouble is that reading the rest of your article, from the point where she leaves him, terrifies me. Our last daughter we have three is in high school now. My youngest daughter most likely has Aspergers as well, and she is often just like her father. I can imagine her blaming me for the end of the marriage. But my littlest one, I have protected her more from what was going on, and she is the most like him. He does those things sometimes, but for multiple reasons there has been no sexual relationship for 15 years.
When he discovered he had low testosterone, he had no interest in doing anything about it for 8 years. It tore me apart. No amount of logic from me did anything but get the silent treatment. But how do you leave someone when you still love them. And I feel strongly that my leaving him would really hurt him. Maybe some of it, but not all. I think I lack the faith in myself to even do anything about it now. Hello, Cara — this is the bind many find themselves in: painful recognition of their own sense of fading away with lost dreams and crushed hopes, while loving their partners and not wanting to leave.
If both of you want to old on to the marriage, supportive counseling with a therapist skilled in understanding the interior lives of both partners can offer significant insights. I wish you well on your path. This has been my life! Finally looked up and smelled the coffee and asked husband of 24 years to move out when he got physical with 13 year old son.
What a waste of my life, having to comply with all his ways or he would rage, feel like my kids think I am the one to blame as he has such a martyrs way about him. He is so irresponsible, even tonight he was asking me to pick my son up as it is too much for him and too much for petrol! He picks him up twice a week, and drives 2 miles!! It is so good to read this to validate my experience, thank you!!
Hello, KF — thank you for posting your note. You did the best you could throughout those years, given what you knew then compared to what you know now. With time, perhaps you will see how resilient and loving and utterly competent you have always been, as evidenced by all the juggling you have done well for so many years. I wish you well in your discernment. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. I made a spontaneous invite to go out for food after work as weather was beautiful. Hello where are you?
Realise no substance behind my handsome selfish man so do I just get used to having one sided conversations with myself? Hello, Anna — How frustrating for you! It is so complicated and often difficult to understand because the behaviors can be so hurtful, even if they are not intentional. Your pain is legitimate, as are your concerns. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it backfires. Ideally, you could find a skilled therapist who understands you and understands your husband as well.
Thank you Sarah, I have spent the last few days reading some online articles, books and a couple of forums similar to yours re Asperger and am gaining of an understanding of what this relationship will entail! I am trying to empathise with how he feels constantly — no wonder the grumpiness is surfacing!
We are obviously coming out of the new phase as now nine months in to our new relationship. The hurt in my gut is strong this weekend as he has been trying to multi task which is obviously a No no however i have tried to show understanding as he was uncharacteristically offhand and cool with me! Do I need to just keep reading about this condition?
I have read I must not take things he says personally! How do I do this? I agree it is like learning a new language but with the need for prirection around my heart and solar plexus! Would appreciate advice please thank you x. Thank you Sarah for your kind words. I am trying to be more positive every day and help the boys grow up as well adjusted as possible. Thanks for this site, it is comforting to have supportive and understanding people. I have lost twice, and its been monumental refinding myself after divorce 15years ago.
My oldest son seems accepting, and remains loyal and loving, but his sister who studied humanities and is a counsellor, is estranged. By now, I wonder if I would worsten the situation, or throw light on it by sharing this article. Your thoughts? Dr Joshua Coleemn had also been a useful source. Hello, Marion — thank you! I am glad this article was affirming for you. At the very least, they will be learning something about their mother. There is always the chance that they will see more than that, however, and consider how the whole picture relates to them, their mother, and their father.
Children often have their own reasons for denying autism in their fathers. Sometimes they themselves are also on the spectrum; sometimes, it just feels too painful to look into the matter too carefully. I wish you well on your path toward healing. The majority of behaviour described here sounds like my NT ex-partner of many years.
Thank goodness there were no children involved. He would want to talk and talk and talk, usually about nothing constructive, but would go from one topic to another endlessly for hours, to the point where I was completely exhausted and really needed to be alone with my thoughts for a bit to recharge my batteries, but he would insist on bombarding me with yak and asking my opinion about topics I knew too little about to have a conversation about.
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With our sport, as with most, seeing is believing. I have been witness to some pretty tough characters from a motorcycle group who came to watch a very early morning practice at a mall rink in Portland. At age 7, we made a coaching change to a woman who was new to the club. Peggy Behr had been a competitive skater who trained with iconic coach Lorraine Borman along side Rosalynn Sumners, her best friend. She was the one in who suggested Jeremy relocate to a training center if he wanted to keep improving because Peggy felt she had taken him as far as she could.
Jeremy did compete ice dance and pairs, but his heart was really with singles. When a position opened up at The Broadmoor in public relations, we sold our house in the Roaring Fork Valley and moved. It has not been easy, but Jeremy never wavered in his love for skating; we never wavered in our support. When we had a parting of the ways with the coach in Colorado Springs and Jeremy decided to move to Bloomfield Hills, Michigan to train with Yuka Sato and Jason Dungjen, we were the first to applaud the change and assist in the move.
For Jeremy, each move has been a move forward. He has never looked back; neither have we. What was your toughest moment as a skating parent? What were some of the positives and blessings of parenting a gifted child? What was your most joyful moment as a skating parent? Jeremy was bullied unmercifully growing up as a figure skater in a ski and hockey town. While he never even considered quitting because of it, we had many tearful moments and a few conversations with schools, as well.
We always told him that success would be his best revenge. The show was a sell-out. When Jeremy was sitting in the lobby tying his skates before a practice, two young hockey players — about the age of the ones who picked on him years ago — came into the area. Later, they were clamoring for photos with him on the ice after the show. Easily, the most difficult moment for me is one I have not discussed. It was in Vancouver. We were seated with heads of our federation during the short program.
Jeremy was extremely nervous going into Vancouver; his comments about the overall experience are well documented in interviews. It broke my heart that he felt that way. He earned his spot. He was an Olympian. My feeling is that you should never be ashamed or feel sorry for reaching the height of your sport and making it to that coveted place. As it ended up, Jeremy resolved to keep going for another four years, and now we are headed to a second Olympics with a favorite program he choreographed himself by the British rock group Muse.
I also think he could have a stellar second career as a top choreographer. Can you tell us what role music and dance played in his growing up and in your family? Jeremy comes from a family of performers. My father was a television pioneer and the producer of the Perry Como Show. My mother was on NBC. Her father was an internationally recognized theater actor.
The kids constantly had music in their lives. Jeremy used to watch Gene Kelly movies with me. Gene Kelly was my favorite dancer. I met him when I was about 11 and I had an autograph book with his signature. I lost it in a house fire when Jeremy was about 2. I taught Jeremy basic ballroom dancing in our kitchen in Basalt by having him stand on my feet, however I take no credit. Jeremy was always interested in music and dance. In high school, he earned pocket money by cutting music, something he was taught by my husband.
What do you think his most important contributions to figure skating are? First and foremost, I hope he is remembered as being a good, kind and caring person. It would be tremendous if that is his lasting legacy as he transitions out of competitive skating and on to performing and creating — for himself and for many future generations of skaters. Finish what you start. Listen to your skater. If they are wavering; if they are ready to be done, let them be done. But like school, finish what you start.
Test out. There is great satisfaction in getting that USFS gold test medal. There is something deep-rooted that is making them skate. Help them find the people who can guide them into coaching, performing, judging, creating and choreographing, if that is what they want to do. What more could you ask than to have something you love and to figure out how to make a living at it. The team can include parents, coaches, choreographers, costume designers, trainers, siblings, and more. What advice would you give skaters, parents, and coaches about how best to work collaboratively?
What qualities and attitudes are important in building a successful team? This is a complicated question and one that truly depends on the age of the skater, the level, and the disposition of the skater. One size does not fit all in this category. Success is a moving target and you have to be ready, as you do in any business, to assess and make changes if something needs to be changed.
Change for the sake of change is not always the answer. It is very personal. As a skater becomes an adult, they really need to take on the responsibility of those decisions. No one knows better than they do what they need. It is sometimes difficult to step aside, but it is necessary. Why did you start writing a blog and what has the reaction to it been like? At that point, we were nearly 20 years into the sport, and I also wanted to record my personal thoughts, observations about skating parents, coaches, experiences and lots of other things.
While I have only have about direct followers, I do track who is seeing my blog and it now goes literally around the world. Once I tweet or post it, things start moving. I will be blogging from Sochi, too. Why do you think that post resonated so powerfully with others? How does it epitomize your general approach to parenting and to life? Life gives us lemons at many points throughout our journeys. It is what you choose to do with them that makes a difference. Most people who follow skating know by now that 30 seconds into that program in San Jose, my husband passed out with what ended up being an afib attack but mimicked a stroke at the time.
It was one of the scariest moments in my life. In thinking about it, I have loved all the programs since without reservation. Jeremy choreographed all those programs himself. Any rituals or superstitions? LOTS of superstitions! One woman who started out as a fan but is now a good family friend and sits with us at most competitions, started bringing a bag of Twizzlers with her. Most of the family takes one and eats it before Jeremy skates.
It is an inside family joke that started in , but the reason behind it will not be revealed until after this season is concluded and Jeremy moves on to a pro career. We in Vail for a competition. I think many fans never recovered from the end of 6. They sell out every competion and every show. They start fan clubs for skaters who are not from their countries. Jeremy has a huge fan base in Japan. He has fan clubs in South Korea, China and even Russia.
There are so many from the past. I am fortunate to know and call friend those who are still with us. That is another blessing of this sport. My greatest skating crush was on Richard Dwyer Mr. Debonaire who I saw in a show when I was a kid and who is now a great friend. Of course, there is Robin Cousins. For those guys currently skating, I have many but ask me in April.
For the ladies, Alissa Czisny defines grace, class and style. I love Courtney Hicks for her enthusiasm and athleticism. She embodies Olympic spirit. Again, there are so many. I absolutely love ice dance and I am in awe of pairs. There are so many teams I enjoy and applaud that would be the subject of an entirely new blog. I absolutely love, love, love him! Social media is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is wonderful to cut away a layer of communication and talks directly to what, in my industry are called the stakeholders.
But social media affords a level of anonymity that can be dangerous and emotionally destructive. I can tell you, as a professional PR person, as a mom and as a blogger, it is anything but transparent. There is perceived power in the shadows and the Trolls are willing to hide in the murky underpinnings of the social media bridge that connects all of us inhabiting this part of the internet world. Today, those reactions by the shadow people are instantaneous; their vitriol so venomous, their lies and disinformation so seemingly real, it is difficult to discern fiction from fact.
We have so many wonderful Aspen and Roaring Fork Valley friends and family in the X-Games inspired snow sports that would be my next choice. I congratulated her and she replied. Through difficult times and triumphant ones, Randy and Tai have been Forever Two As One, the title of their joint memoir. We have since shared our books with each other and become soul sisters. Tai is a role model and inspiration in so many ways. She is modest about her accomplishments, honest about her struggles with alcoholism and eating disorders, invariably optimistic and creatively fertile, and committed to mentoring younger skaters and supporting those suffering with addictions.
She never rests on her laurels, is grateful for her blessings, and is a generous person who shares her wisdom and good luck charms! I participate in discovery. I am a butterfly. I am not a butterfly collector. I want the experience of the butterfly. Tell us about the experience of having to withdraw from the Olympics. How did you and Randy keep your partnership and friendship strong in the aftermath of that devastation? What did you learn from the experience?
That was one hell of a night, for all of us! He and our coach Mr. Nicks thought it was better not to tell me everything in fear of it upsetting me in an already very intense situation. He gave it his best shot and in the end it was completely out of his control. It was not meant to be. In the end I do know it all comes down to respect for one another. The Olympic experience taught us that on any given day, anything can happen.
You keep pushing forward and never look back! I walked Mabel onto the ice when she received this honor and I have never been so proud and honored. Mabel is responsible for breaking the color barrier in figure skating. A powerful and important moment that I will never ever forget. You and Randy have been partners and collaborators and dear friends for about 40 years! What are the most important elements in a successful partnership?
I think we hit the 45 year mark! What is your favorite Olympic sport other than figure skating and why? I love tennis. My parents actually met on the tennis courts here in Los Angeles, my brother played, and my son, Scout, plays. I have recently gone to a few live hockey games, and I have a new appreciation for that sport, amazingly quick and really kinda beautiful to watch. If you had to skate pairs with another male pairs skater, who it would be and why?
Forever two as one! What current amateur skaters in any and all disciplines are you a special fan of and why? I think Adam Rippon is one, and I love him too. I absolutely adore Adam Rippon. He just had a very tough nationals and it was a definite eye opener for him. He has the talent and I hope he stays in another year. Why is pairs skating in this country in such disarray? What advice would you give pairs teams?
I still really enjoy doing death spirals and never in a million years did I think I would still be doing them at age 54! Never say never! I love seeing deep edges and big open beautiful jumps. Tee hee! I have a difficult time watching the lady skaters do all those really unattractive spins. Well, back when we were doing those tricks, it felt like I was flying and you definitely have to have trust in your partner. How can being a skater prepare you for living a good, healthy, evolved life after your competitive career?
Scout is very much his own person and very independent. He will be 19 soon and I was not prepared for him to grow up so quickly. What advice would you give to other people struggling with addictions of various kinds to food, alcohol, drugs etc? There are so many wonderful programs for all addictions and also know that you are not alone.
You are one of the most creatively fertile and multi-talented people I know, Tai. Tell us about some of your current creative and professional endeavors. I really want to try everything. I have so many ideas swirling around in my head and I just go for it! Who inspires you? These can be public figures, other skaters, historical figures, people from your personal life. Tai Babilonia is one of the greatest figure skaters of all time.
When Tai and Randy won Worlds, they were the first Americans to do so in twenty-nine years, and no US pair since has won the title. Tai and Randy were favored to win Gold at the Olympics in Lake Placid, but on the night of the short program, had to withdraw due to an injury to Randy. They went on to have an extremely successful professional career, skating for three years as special guest stars with the Ice Capades, appearing on numerous skating tours and in countless television specials, and performing in some of the most prestigious venues in the United States and abroad, including a special appearance for Queen Elizabeth and as a White House guest of Presidents Ford, Carter, Reagan, and Clinton.
Tai and Randy were inducted into the U. Figure Skating Hall of Fame in Tai is also an entrepreneur who has designed skating attire and has her own line of chocolate treats and a collection of one of a kind hand-made crystal-encrusted jewelry boxes sold at upscale stores in California. Outspoken and honest about her own struggles with alcoholism and eating disorders, she is an advocate and mentor for people struggling with addictions of various kinds and is proudly sober herself.
She considers her biggest accomplishment her role as a mother to her son, Scout. I reached out to Lucy after reading a newspaper piece about her book; she and I exchanged books and have since become virtual friends. Why Wordsworth? What about him especially appeals and is of interest to you? I grew up in an atheist household, and although I had access to religion at school, it was primarily through poetry that my sensibilities developed.
Until I was 18, I lived in Leeds, a large industrial city in the North of England, but my family was lucky to spend a lot of time in a farming village in Yorkshire, where my responses to the natural world and the local community were shaped by reading Wordsworth. I have two childhood memories in connection with him.
The poem struck a deep chord with me. It was when listening to the last stanza that I first came to realise the finality of death:. She lived unknown, and few could know When Lucy ceased to be; But she is in her grave, and, oh, The difference to me! I think my happy summers in the Yorkshire countryside may be responsible for much of my lifelong passion for Wordsworth. He understood the sheer joy a child feels in exploring nature; and he valued the bonds of kindness that hold small rural communities together — I experienced these things in Wensleydale as a youngster.
The poem is full of stillness — evoking the almost total solitude that you can feel as a walker in the Highlands. When did you first become interested in Dorothy Wordsworth, as a writer and creative figure in her own right? I think this change in focus may have had something to do with events in my own life — the death of my sister, becoming a poet, and developing an acute awareness of creative community.
The words betray a sense of exclusion, and a feeling of envy for their intimacy. I think the Wordsworths had a holistic understanding of life, from which any aspiring writer could learn a great deal. Their example teaches us two very important things. Firstly, that creativity is not a solitary pursuit; it relies on community, shared endeavour, generosity, and connection with the environment.
These activities can provide a powerful means of alleviating loneliness and sorrow, as the Wordsworths found. Writing happened in amongst all this — the fruits of collaborative labour were not viewed as a species of property in which each contributor held a share, but as an exchange of priceless household gifts, signifying kinship, love, and gratitude to the natural world.
The loss of their childhood home in Cumberland was absolute; but walking, talking, remembering, grieving, and writing were therapeutic activities, enabling them to recover their communal identity. They saw the beautiful landscape that surrounded them in the Lake District as their spiritual home, and by living together in Westmorland for fifty years, they created a bond with the place that was restorative.
When Dorothy developed Alzheimers, and was confined to her room for twenty years with arteriosclerosis, William cared for her and helped her to return in memory to earlier, happier times. In writing about them, I think I was writing a personal story as well — about my own homesickness for Yorkshire, the grief I feel for my dead sister, and the healing power of memory. Of all my books, this is the one that has mattered most to me. I hope that my readers might find the same kind of inspiration as I have found, in learning how the Wordsworths came to terms with loss.
How are these therapeutic dimensions not sufficiently valued in academia and higher education more generally? Academic books can be dry and inaccessible, offering over-elaborated theoretical frameworks, critical exegesis, and scholarly apparatus. As academics, we are trained to distance ourselves from our subject matter.
Detachment, rationality and critical distance are valued much more highly than empathy and emotional involvement. We write using the left side of our brains, cutting ourselves off from emotions, which are the well-springs of creativity. Can you tell us about how and why these lines are significant to you? There are many tributes to Dorothy in his poetry, but none so absolute and moving in their devotion as this heartfelt expression of gratitude:.
In my book, I look at the gifts anthropologically, as kinship rituals. I love these lines because they are a beautiful and deeply moving declaration of love. Why do you think there is such resistance to Wordsworth on the part of so many readers? How would you relate contemporary resistance to and dismissals of Wordsworth to the kinds of criticisms and ridicule levelled at Wordsworth and his poetry during his own lifetime?
There are at least two anti Wordsworthian traditions, or ways of expressing dislike. It is very hard to shift such unfair prejudices, once they have become entrenched. Many readers nowadays think of Wordsworth as lofty and removed: a solitary figure who wrote on elevated themes, preferring the company of lakes and mountains to people. They associate him with reclusiveness, an extreme dislike of urban life, a culpable resistance to modernity.
Why do you think Wordsworth is so vulnerable to parody? What is your favorite parody of Wordsworth? Any great writer is vulnerable to parody, and the decision to parody a writer — taking time to craft an imitation which is both recognisable and humorous — is a form of homage. Wordsworth made his writing vulnerable to parody by writing great, distinctive poetry, which he supplemented with a series of prefaces, deigned to instruct his readers in the art of reading his work. His earnestness of purpose, and his clearly identifiable poetic persona, made him an easy target.
I think WW was an immensely subtle poet, often one step ahead of his critics. All Carroll had to do was to develop a thread already planted in the original poem, which he did brilliantly. How can we make great poetry less intimidating and more accessible to people? Priscilla, you have done so much that is exemplary in this field, and your enthusiastic followers will want to join me in thanking you for what you have done. How can I answer you but by echoing the tenets of your remarkable book, and your equally remarkable blog?
We can — and should — make great poetry less intimidating and more accessible: by reading great poetry aloud to our children when they are very young; by giving it the same centrality in our and their daily lives as music; by enabling kids to engage imaginatively with great poetry throughout school; by working hard to ensure that everyone has access to great poetry on the internet, in public talks, and at poetry readings; by quoting it in conversation, emails, blogs; by holding as many literary festivals as possible to celebrate it; by writing about it creatively in books; by engaging with it passionately at every opportunity, so that people never forget its relevance to thoughts, beliefs, choices, actions; and by reminding everyone, in all walks of life, that they too can write.
This last point is key. Once you begin to think of yourself as a writer — as someone who can craft language to create certain effects — you feel a greater kinship with the role models you emulate. They begin to seem less terrifyingly remote. I started writing poetry in — very late in life — because I had to.
My sister died, and there was no other way of working through my grief. The discovery that I could create poems came as a huge surprise and relief , because for thirty years I had been teaching poetry without any notion that I could be a creative writer. At first I wrote only about my bereavement, which was all-consuming. Later I showed my work to poet friends who encouraged me, and this led eventually to my writing on different subjects.
My first collection, Ginnel, came in response to a second bereavement, when my father died. In this collection, I turned back to memories of my childhood in Leeds, where I used to play in the back streets with my sisters. The collection is unashamedly Wordsworthian, celebrating the remembered places of childhood, and childhood as a place. The collection is also pervaded by memories of my father and my sister, and is intended as homage to them both.
Since writing Ginnel, I have gone on writing poetry, and teaching in Creative Writing workshops: I regard being a poet as the biggest blessing of my life — second only to the birth of my daughter. This new creative role has led to different teaching methods and concerns in my research, as well as a whole new way of valuing literature and the academy.
I find the pattern of loss and recompense deeply Wordsworthian. Can you summarize the kinds of attitudes towards and arguments about the Wordsworths that your book is intended to revise, correct, or dispel? However, there is little evidence that gender difference caused ideological divisions between the Wordsworths, or that their use of different media expressed competitive aims.
Their creative processes were bound up in joint activities. Whether they saw things alone or together, they discussed what they wrote. This was a context where much material remained unpublished, where work was read aloud, and some composition was done together, orally. The journals contained observations and recollections that could be used as prompts for poems.
In their turn, poems helped to form habits of observation and recollection in the circle. The monolithic, egotistical model of genius that is still all too commonly associated with the name of William Wordsworth came into being because of some deeply entrenched misconceptions, which date back to his reception in the nineteenth century. What advice would you give to a young person who was debating whether or not to apply for a Ph. Think long and hard before you make this choice.
You have to be outstandingly determined, ambitious, and focused on academic goals if you are going to make it in a ferociously competitive market. There may be better ways to develop your capabilities. If you want to teach, be sure that you choose the kind of teaching that will best suit your temperament. If you want to write, be sure that it is academic writing you want to do. Above all else, make sure that you do not lose touch with your humanity and creativity, which are among the most important gifts you have.
Why should we read Wordsworth?
Our Stories — NASR
In spite of difference of soil and climate, of language and manners, of laws and customs, in spite of things silently gone out of mind and things violently destroyed, the Poet binds together by passion and knowledge the vast empire of human society, as it is spread over the whole earth, and over all time. Lucy Newlyn is a scholar-critic, a poet, a literary biographer, an editor, and an anthologist — but above all else a teacher.
She read English at Oxford University, going on to hold lectureships at various Oxford colleges before being elected to a Tutorial Fellowship at St Edmund Hall in , where she has remained throughout her career. She gained the title Professor of English Language and Literature in , and in the same year became an Honorary Professor at the University of Aberystwyth. Newlyn is an authority on Wordsworth and Coleridge, and has published extensively in the field of English Romantic literature, including three books with Oxford University Press and the Cambridge Companion to Coleridge.
She is also a published poet. Her first collection, Ginnel, was published in with Carcanet; and her poems have appeared in numerous anthologies and poetry magazines. When I was working as a literary agent, I was connected with Rachel Adams via an old friend of mine from Yale grad school, Columbia professor and writer Jenny Davidson. Thankfully, I loved it. Rachel and I had many conversations and editing sessions over email, and eventually I sold her brave, wise, and touching memoir, Raising Henry, to Yale University Press, but we never met in person until she invited me to discuss The Anti-Romantic Child with her students at Columbia last spring.
She had an adoring husband, a beautiful two-year-old son, a sunny Manhattan apartment, and a position as a tenured professor at Columbia University.