- Kervin, Alison / A Wag Abroad
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- Broken a nail abroad? Ask a WAG for help
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Just to save me coming back every three and a half minutes? By the time we left mainland Europe my seat looked like a bottle bank.
The only bad thing about the flight was trying to get to the bathroom to redo my makeup while hideously drunk and with the plane bobbing through the air. Have you ever tried that? The combination of alcohol and a moving floor provides an experience not dissimilar to that of walking across a bouncy castle. I met him when we both found ourselves waiting in line for the bathroom.
Kervin, Alison / A Wag Abroad
He invited me to join his club. Those paintings show Dean striding across a brightly painted football pitch, shooting for goals with a finesse and degree of accuracy that is wholly reserved for the world of art. Dean was a fabulous footballer in his day — he had the hair, the baggy trousers, the heavy jewellery and the attitude — but he was always a hopeless player. Happily, over the last year we discovered Dean was a far better coach than he ever was a footballer. No one was more surprised than I to see the astonishing result produced by his fledgling attempts at coaching.
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To watch Dean coaching those girls was to watch the work of a genius. He had them fitness training every day with the sort of devotion that I reserve for tending to my cuticles. Honestly, their fitness training sessions were like those undertaken by the Royal Marines, and the way he had them marching around during the training drills put me in mind of the SS.
My greatest fear was not that the team would lose, but that my husband would be arrested for child cruelty. I started writing this blog online which became a newspaper column, giving lifestyle advice to wannabe Wags. It got so popular that I ended up going onto all sorts of TV programmes, and was recognized in the streets and everything. I am going to find a shop like Cricket on Rodeo Drive, meet glamorous film stars, get an open-top car and chew gum all the time.
Bring it on! Just standing there, brooding, dark and handsome. The male equivalent of Barbie. Everything and everyone else in the building seems to melt away as I watch him.
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Oh my God. Dean is walking ahead, pulling several of the cases behind him and moaning about how much stuff there is, and, how heavy the bags are. There are also three guys from the airport staff pushing two trolleys each. I can get that. He seems almost jealous, which is strange. Me and Dean were made to be together. The man ought to be in the movies.
My dream is to work for a British newspaper — something like the Daily Mail. Do you know it? Jamie looks horrified. You should be very proud. Does this car have air conditioning? Probably a good thing. It turns out that they drive on this side of the road in LA.
Er … hello. How was I suppose to know that? How do people know these things? If they want our language they should have to put up with our road systems too. I look into the mirror and Jamie smiles. I watch as his eyes drop down to take in my outfit and I smile back. Well, as the plane was landing, to be accurate. I ended up having to get changed in the aisle, which upset the other passengers, of course, and led to a formal warning from the hostess lady, but what choice did I have?
I feel myself blush as he calls me by my pet name. When we were first married he called me Candyfloss and I called him Sugar Lump all the time. What is it? A diamond necklace might, if the diamonds were small — but what would be the point in that? I put the tips of my fingers into the wallet and pull out … oh, a map. There must be some mistake here. Remember that time you drove to the postbox on the corner of the road and ended up going through Watford to get back?
Paskia and Dean howl with laughter at the memory of my mile round trip, while all I can think is, When did giving a map to a Wag become appropriate? I thought you could mark our house on, and where your favourite shops are, where the Beckhams live, and things like that. I called House Hunters, this terribly American, enthusiastic and upbeat firm who promise to find you the house of your dreams. The reason for this? I love her with all my heart and want to be just like her.
Broken a nail abroad? Ask a WAG for help
What does she think I am — a bloody five-year-old doing a project on a school trip? Neither Dean nor I have. There are fire eaters, jugglers, roller-skating performers and loads of carnivals, fairs and markets. A friend of mine sells her pictures there. Tracie Martin is back! But it's not all California dreaming. Les mer. Whilst husband Dean swaps life on the subs bench for coaching the LA Raiders and daughter Paskia-Rose is busy settling into her new school, Tracie is left twiddling her manicured fingers.
A Wag Abroad - AbeBooks - kervin-alison:
It seems LA's not ready for WAGS - the women are naturally golden rather than fake bake orange, there's no boozing and everyone is thinner than her - surely that's not possible when she last ate a proper meal in ? Los Angeles Calif. View online Borrow Buy Freely available Show 0 more links Set up My libraries How do I set up "My libraries"? Noarlunga Library.
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